Thursday, April 29, 2010

Resolution check up

January 4th I wrote down my New Year's resolution. I thought now, being five months into the year, would be a good time to take a look and see how I've been doing. Here's what I wrote:

As part of my new year's resolution, I have taken a good long look at this past year. I thought about all the greatest moments. Reading a positive pregnancy test--Washington DC--Our first wedding anniversary--Mini Doc Handsome's birth--Mom helping me be a mom. Then looked at all the unfortunate moments. Doc Handsome getting mobilized--Moving away from my closest friends--Doc Handsome missing the pregnancy and birth of Mini Doc Handsome--Post partum depression. And realized one thing that really stood out in my mind. I want to vocalize this as a way of acknowledging it. Above all the tough but valuable lessons God taught me this year, I have found that life can be much simpler when you're not striving to compete. It's ok to admit that I need help. Only a fool wouldn't ask for help when needed. I think we get so caught up in what other people are doing and how they are doing it. It seems like that has been a reoccuring excuse for me this year. 'Well so and so did it." And although there were so many people that really inspired me this year (my best friend K, my dad, my mother in law, my friend C, and H) two really continued to change my life.

My husband is such a simple man. In the absolute best way. He doesn't overanalyze situations. And never, not even once, have I known him to hold grudges. When my heart is cold and my mind is stubborn, he brings me back to sanity. In so many ways, I can see the person I aspire to be in him. You know that cliche, something along the lines of "my better half..." It's true in this case.

My mother is my kindred spirit. I swear on it. It's hard to know this over a phone relationship and living miles apart but it's one thing I really learned about all the time we were able to spend together this year. I couldn't be more thankful because in her I see the kind of parent I want to be. My mom is a single parent, always has been. (Although she's getting married now!) She parents with such grace and dignity. The patience she shows my little brother far surpasses anything I think I can live up to. And I am continuously amazed by her parenting methods and techniques. Of course, she doesn't do it perfectly. I don't think there is one parent that does. But if I could chose one mother to walk in the steps of, it would be her.

My goal is to work hard on things I stuggle with. To be ok with being in vulnerable positions. To forgive and most importantly....forget. There are of course so many other things I know I can improve about myself but for now these are my top priority.

{I changed the guys names in my original post to protect them}

Since writing that, I've lost contact with of one those friends who had inspired me, my husband is home, and there are a number of other people that I could add to my list of inspiration. My main goal when I wrote that was to remind myself that "keeping up with the Jone's" is exhausting, frustrating, and not worth the effort one bit. I remember thinking that in every sense of the word.

I was worn out from the struggle to compete as a military wife. I've always thought and had this great expectation about the camaraderie that military wives share. But from everything I had experienced that year, it seemed to me that the bonds that should have tied us, broke us. And to me, that was devastating. It was hard for me to accept that because I wanted so badly to share this challenging lifestlye with another person who understands. To be there for eachother and share the type of friendship you see in "Army Wives." High hopes you say?? I'd think so....

I've always thought of myself as a pretty secure woman. Insecurities were something I battled and dealt with as a younger person and I feltl like I had a good grasp of them and knew how to overcome them. So I was confounded when I had realized I was now dealing with trying to prove to others who I was and that I was more than capable.

I was worn out from the struggle to compete as a friend and family member. I felt torn being so far away from my best friends but slowly becoming close with new friends in my life. It was hard not being able to share my child with them. The person who had changed my life more than anyone else. It was challenging to know how to split up the time that Mini Doc Handsome had with each family member. With everyone being so far away from eachother, I know I struggled with making the "right choice" about where to spend time. And I know in the process, I hurt feelings without meaning to. I did learn that family is always there for you and I was so incredibly lucky to become close with my in laws while Doc Handsome was gone.

All of this was stirred together with that darn post partum depression. I tried so hard to hide it and I know I did so pretty well. I was ashamed and felt that if I couldn't thrive as a single parent of a newborn, I wasn't succeding as a wife, a mother, and even a caring human being in general. I always thought, "there are thousands of single parents out there that do this all the time." So why was I having such a hard time?! I know now that it was a combination of the obvious hormones mixed with the difficulty I was having watching my son change every single day and knowing that Doc Handsome would never be able to get this time back. He would never see our baby that tiny, that vulnerable, and that brand new again. It killed me. I admit, I was being a baby. In retrospect, all that I was going through was cake compared to some challenges that others in our world deal with. But this was my world and what I was currently enduring myself. I've dealt with more difficult so why did I feel myself getting so depressed? That's when I decided I needed my mom. I left for Alaska for a month and a half. We've always been close but I hadn't seen her in a little over three years and I finally felt that becoming a mother myself gave me the connection I needed to rekindle the relationship with my own mom. And that it did...

When I wrote that resolution, I wanted to put all my ashamed feelings behind me. And now I ask myself, have I been doing that well since committing to that goal? I think I've done ok. Just like every goal, every week and every month I lose sight and somehow find my way again. Doc Handsome is my main motivator along with Mini Doc Handsome too of course. I know the struggle to be "all that we can be" (Sorry but Army said it best when they coined that expression...) is one most come up against sometime in their life.

So the reolution continues....luckily I still have 7 months left of this year to make some lead way.

1 comment:

  1. You amaze me!
    You honesty, your strength, your courage!
    I struggle with the "keeping up with the Jones's" and it eats at me..
    I like reading your resolution because it reminds me that I'm not the only one struggling, but it also is a reminder that I can overcome it!!

    You are a wonderful, beautiful women, wife, mother, daughter and friend!!


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