So many times I make myself feel guilty about everything I do as a mother. If it's not guilt I feel, than I'm worrying myself crazy about how I do things and if I do them enough.
I worry that when I'm sick and short with Mini DH, he won't forgive me for not having patience. I worry that he's not getting enough of his daily nutrients. I feel guilty when we're vacationing and there's no time to cook him a meal but rather get the quickest thing available. Yet I feel guilty when I tell others we don't let him eat junk food.
I worry that I'm not challenging his mind enough. That I'm not playing with him enough or being silly enough. I worry about the small amount of time we let him watch children's tv programs. I worry that we don't bathe him enough and I feel guilty when he's so sad about getting his hair washed. I worry that he doesn't listen to music enough because when he does, he's so happy.
I worry that I'm too overwhelmed to do school some nights. I worry that we don't read to him often enough. I worry that we're spoiling him by letting him do whatever he wants within reason. I worry that we don't let him explore enough to satify that young curiousity. I feel guilty when I ignore his temper tantrums and instead let him get over it without caving in. I feel guilty when I do cave in.
I worry about how our choice to be a military family will effect him and I worry that he won't understand his daddy's need to serve. I worry that he'll resent us for Doc Handsome missing his birth. I feel guilty that we don't take him to the park enough and I worry that he's not socialized enough.
The list could really go on forever. And despite all my worries and guilty fears, when it comes down to it, I am confident in the choices we've made over the big decisions. I feel like we do research upon research to know that we are vaccinating, semi cloth diapering, breastfeeding, independent sleeping, and healthy feeding parents. I feel slightly jilted when others are amazed (either in a good or bad way) by our choices, but when it pans out, we feel our decisions will benefit Mini Dh in the short and long terms. It's truly frustrating the amount of pressure parents feel. Always going back and forth between feeling confident and feeling unsure.
But when my precious child shoots his pointed finger towards the ceiling in a restaurant and says, "Light" for the first time, I know all those countless hours of showing him lights in every building we've entered for weeks was worth it. For a few moments, I am proud and reassured that I am doing something right.